All Good Horror Deserves a Dash of Porn

Future Tromo Fan #1
The Berenstain Bears are VERY comforting in a pinch. Well, to be more specific, in an excrutiating moment where you find yourself in a mad dash for distraction of any kind so you won't pee your pants in fear. All of this preceeds a pornographic film where a groundskeeper, who would obviously later serve as the inspiration for Groundskeeper Willie from "The Simpsons", ravages an ice princess who just so happens to be the estate's newest tenant and in desperate need of a reality check (does anyone else smell flavors of Lady Chatterley's Lover or is it just me?). Horror mixed with porn. All at the tender age of 8...and all at a glorious slumber party hosted by a relative.

Flashback to the beginning of the school year, 1985. At 8, I entered public school, after a Christian private school education from pre-school to second grade. During the summer before school started my parents thought it would be a good idea to assimilate me into the neighborhood social sphere. Otherwise, having a new girl, a very "Jesus Loves Me", shy, pale, redhead one at that, enter public school was like sending a t-bone covered gazelle into a lion's den. At a rollerskating party to celebrate the birthday of the coach's daughter, and our first win, I promptly broke my arm and had to sit out the rest of the season. Which led to me making friends with the other benchwarmer, Julie. Overweight, Baptist-raised, lowest-self-esteem-of-all-time Julie. She chirped out wincingly awful platitudes along with her offerings of Double-Bubble. She was so nice, though, and vowed to be my best friend for life. This actually became truth when my mom rescued her brother from a merry-go-round which had ripped open his head (that's for another entry, definitely) during his attempt to push us all as fast as it could go.

At the start of the school year, Julie made sure to tell everyone that she was my BFF because "my mom saved her brother's life." Julie wasn't in the highest of the social rankings. Combined with my tendency to read constantly, write poetry and to make friends with the teacher, I only got pity invites to birthday parties and slumber parties. So, when my cousin, Melissa, was forced to ask if I could come to her birthday slumber party, I was thrilled. Just so thrilled to the gills and after convincing my mom that nothing bad would ever happen (Melissa's mom was my grandfather's first cousin!! How could anything remotely terrible occur?) I was allowed to go under specific guidelines. None of which I can remember, but I'm sure they didn't include the possibilities that the following would happen:

1.) Melissa's mom renting Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning or as it became known to me "The one where when people fuck they either get a dagger in the eyeballs or their head squeezed in a vise until it pops like a grape or flares shoved in their mouth until it goes BOOM." Aside: Is it just me or was Jason totally obsessed with the fragile nature of the skull? Is it perhaps because his has to be covered at all times to keep people from staring or gasping at his hideousness? I mean, I guess, but also he's going to kill them, anyway, so he might as well elicit some sympathy from his victims before he so ungraciously does something super super mean to their heads. Jason's such a headcase! That was completely not pre-meditated, I swear--the pun, I mean.

2.) Melissa's mom renting a porn (cool mom!!) for Melissa's older brothers because she didn't want them to be bored by all of the silly slumber party antics.

3.) Melissa's brothers de-bunking Melissa's mom's theories about silly slumber party antics and wanting to watch the dagger-eyeball-head-vise-grape-flare-gun-mouth-Jason-get-a-grip-just-kill-them-brutally-with-your-big-knife-and-leave-a-pretty-corpse -movie.

This led to Julie and me huddled in the back room, along with a few other whimpering slumber party-goers, reading as many children's books as possible. I became this leader, of sorts. I was convincing those girls who were scared that green eggs and ham would make you feel better and that yes, the Berenstain Bears did feel like your family, didn't they? It didn't work. Well, at the time it felt like it did because when I heard the screams in the background and Melissa's brothers' laughing at the ridiculous sex scenes, I just chanted the books' lines louder and louder and it all seemed to go away for awhile. In retrospect, I probably came across as a miniature religious zealot or a cleverly disguised PR-plant for the estate of Stan and Jan Berenstain.

In the days after the party, the nightmares came relentlessly, especially when I would spend the night with my Grandparents, who happened to live out in the country and therefore left me vulnerable to potential Jason attacks at the foot of my bed. My parents eventually found out about the secret (to them) horror movie viewings and there were angry phone calls exchanged between all parties. Melissa was punished for not being more aware of my "special needs" (but probably more because her mom felt really guilty and couldn't punish herself) and that led to even more shunning at school which meant that I basically hung out with my 3rd grade teacher at lunchtime, in her classroom, where we read Shel Silverstein poetry.

I wonder what would have happened if I had told them about the porno? I still remember every single detail about that thing, except the title. I think that's probably a good thing considering the can of emotional worms that would open up if I ever found it and watched it again.